


Hopeless Wanderer

by foundthesun



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M, Siblings, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 21:08:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8505415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foundthesun/pseuds/foundthesun
Summary: Vex'ahlia is practically an expert at ignoring her emotions. It's being forced to face them that puts her off-kilter. (ep 63)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Every part of this explores pieces of episode 63, "The Echo Tree" (so uh, spoilers for an old ass episode?). As I mosey along through my first watch of every episode of this series, this one was a big stand out for me and I had to pause because it was that. good. May we all have the same kind of support Vex has from the family she's made, hm? Title is, appropriately, from the first song in Vex's playlist, Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford and Sons.

Exhaustion feels like a weight on her. With the decision to take a break to sleep, Vex hardly says goodnight as she wanders over to her room. She fully expects to fall asleep the moment her head hits the pillow and she, admittedly, wholly welcomes the coming couple hours of being unconscious and away from the whirling thoughts in her mind for a while. Actively looks forward to it, in fact, so much so that it's a chore to even prepare herself properly for bed.

 

And then the knock comes.

 

She's nearly about to lay down when she hears it. Grimacing a little, she walks over and opens it only to find her brother standing there. All she needs to see is the drawn, serious expression on his face to know sleep is about to allude her a little longer. She sighs, leaning heavily against the door frame.

 

“I'm really tired, what's up?”

 

Vex doesn't know why she asks. She already has an inkling of what this is about as she lets him in and closes the door behind him. They'd had so little time lately to slow down and for good reason, of course. It's been somewhat of a blessing for Vex, as it's also meant she hasn't had time to slow down long enough to process just about anything that'd happened in the last handful of days.

 

“Are you all right?”

 

Of course Vax wants to talk about this. Of course he won't let her bury this like she wants to, deep into that little place she keeps all of those feelings inside of her at bay. She hates him a little bit in that moment not only because he can read her so easily (as always) but he also won't just let it lie. She exhales a weak laugh, trying to ease the thick tension that threatens to strangle her. It doesn't help much.

 

“Um...yes?” she offers, though the attempt at hiding the lie is non-existent. She knows better than to think her brother doesn't see directly into her. While it's a connection she's grateful for, she wishes it isn't there for just this moment.

 

She doesn't bother waiting for him to call her out on it. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but she doesn't really have it in her to argue. What opening her mouth leads to is exactly what she had been fervently ignoring since they'd faced their father again.

 

He's been able to push past everything and she's fallen hopelessly behind.

 

The day they'd left that life, Vax had thrown those invisible shackles they'd had on them aside, refusing to allow what they'd been put through to define how he felt about himself. Vex had thought she'd done the same, but it's clear now more than ever she'd never really broken free of it. The craving of acceptance is still there, waiting to be unearthed at any given moment. Not just by her father, not just by the nobles they were surrounded by, but everyone. The amount of stock she realized she still put into that need was something she didn't even know how to start addressing.

 

It comes across, she's sure, in what she says. She can't really look at him as she speaks, head lowered. Knowing he's starting to see the cracks in her meticulously kept armor, the cracks she refuses to look at herself, is too much. In the face of what he is realizing he's seeing, he seems to struggle to find the right words to say to her.

 

“You're already perfect, at least in your brother's eyes,” he says and she's close to crying then.

 

It's not just because of the sincerity of his words. No, there's something else there too, a quiet voice in the back of her mind that chills her because its first response to what he's saying is to immediately disagree. That she's _nowhere_ close to perfect, that he puts her on a pedestal she doesn't deserve to be on even remotely. He hopes she believes in herself and it's becoming too clear that she really doesn't, not to the extent he believes in her.

 

That scares her. It scares her a lot. She doesn't want to talk about this at all even more now and she falls back on her humor to deflect it all, to change the subject. He won't let her, though. She catches his gaze long enough to see the same worried, sad look on his face as he had when he first showed up at her door.

 

“You've always been stronger than me, I need you to keep doing that,” he pleads quietly.

 

Something in her finally snaps in that moment.

 

“It's all an act, dear,” she replies before she even considers the ramifications of saying as much out loud. She glances at him when it hits her, letting out a small laugh, though she knows there's no way she can play it off. His expression seems to harden and she looks away.

 

“ _Bullshit_ ,” he says, his tone sharp. She can't even begin to form a response to that, so she doesn't. Nothing she could say or do can make this better. The silence between them feels like it lasts for hours before she hears him audibly sigh. “...That's it.”

 

Panic rips through her, knowing she doesn't want to end the conversation like this. Never like this, with all the danger their lives have in it. It's not like she can take back what she'd just said, but she does manage out a firm, “I love you. Thank you.”

 

It's not a lie. She does. She does more than anyone in the entire world. It's hard not to feel like she doesn't deserve such a good brother, that she's too messed up to deserve what they have with each other. That doesn't mean she doesn't deeply appreciate him anyway.

 

“Obviously I love you too,” Vax responds, and she hears the slightest crack of emotion in his voice. It breaks her heart a little to know she caused it.

 

“...Go get some sleep, your feathers are all ruffled,” she jokes weakly, her eyes still downcast. Even though she isn't looking, she practically feels the intense expression on his face bearing down on her.

 

“Alright,” he murmurs, not fighting the attempt to get him to leave. She looks up just as he's about to go and they lock eyes for only a moment before he turns and leaves, quietly closing the door behind him. Vex stands in the middle of her room, staring after him for a long while, trying to gather herself, gather her thoughts.

 

That she doesn't fall completely apart feels like an accomplishment as she wipes away the few stray tears she can't hold back.

 

* * *

 

 

Sleep doesn't come easy and when Vex wakes up, she's still tired. Still, she rises early, intent on doing something she decided to do the night before. Her conversation with her brother had reminded her that the talk they had hadn't been the only one she'd neglected to have recently because they'd been so busy doing things. While she'd thanked Percy after what he did, she had never actually told him exactly how much it meant to her. As terrible as she is sorting through her feelings, she knows it needs to be done. It's not a terribly long walk to his room. She tries not to think about how much her stomach is in knots, but by the time she's at his door, she's all nerves. Before she talks herself out of it, she knocks, calling out to him. She hears a muffled response and a few moments later, the door cracks open. Despite everything, it's hard not to smile at the sight of him.

 

It's clear he'd just woken up very recently. His white hair is still mussed from sleep and his glasses aren't on quite straight. His usual serious gaze is bleary, unguarded, and unfocused, though he seems to be trying to wake up a little more for her benefit when he realizes it's her. She smiles at him, apologetic.

 

“Sorry, morning,” she greets him. He gives her a sort of sleepy, lopsided smile that is so unexpectedly endearing to her that a nervous laugh bubbles out of her. Fondness creeps into her tone as she says, mostly to herself, “...Oh, I forgot you're grumpy when you wake up.”

 

He doesn't seem to truly mind her being there, though, all things considered. For someone who comes off so stuffy sometimes, how malleable he is to situations is almost comforting. While it doesn't keep her nerves in check, it does help propel her forward into what she wants to say. He seems to focus a little more the moment she breaches the subject, perhaps especially to keep up with the torrent of words that was her explanation of bothering him so early in the morning. It's not as though he even needs the background of what she's getting around to saying, but she tells him anyway, and he listens.

 

Somehow, the patience makes it a little easier once she gets to the important part of all this.

 

“Really, what you did back in Syngorn was more than I ever expected,” she continues, her gaze dropping a little bit, sure she's blushing a little by then just by how hot her face feels. Regardless, her words slow a little as she tries her best to put into words what she needs him to understand. She knows she'll never work herself up after this if she doesn't do it now. “And...it's...honestly I don't know of any other time someone has stuck up for me quite as much for me outside of Vax. So thank you.”

 

If he notices her nervousness he doesn't point it out at all, instead simply choosing to reassure her that she had nothing to thank him for. It's the kind of refreshing, really. Though she had never felt he did it with any expectations of something in return, it is nice for that to be confirmed. For the first time since everything happened, she feels herself truly relaxing and feeling more like herself around him. She even feels comfortable bringing up something that occurred to her once the shock had worn off.

 

“Question though,” she begins, an actual grin beginning to brighten her features. “because I sort of realized being a Baroness of Whitestone that I literally owe my fealty and allegiance to... _you_.”

 

It takes mere moments for that familiar smug, pleased look crosses his face as he couldn't quite hold back a chuckle as he confirms, “Yes.”

 

She stares at him for a long moment at the very blunt response. This feels like it should potentially worry her more than it actually does. “...Alright.”

 

He's still laughing. After last night, it's a sound that's welcome to her. He doesn't just leave it at that, though. As if he's actually making sure this isn't an issue for her, just in case, he does amend his statement by adding, “Well, technically to my sister, but yes. If that makes you feel a little better.”

 

So, his sister. Of course. Still, the entire thing strikes her as so ridiculous she can't really help herself and ends up bowing deeply, playfully, to him. “Thank you, _Grand Sire de Rollo_.”

 

His expression is priceless when she makes eye contact again, a mixture of horrified surprise and amusement. Feeling accomplished (it's actually extremely pleasing to catch him that off guard, as it turns out), she does get a tiny bit more serious when she adds, “And if you ever need anything in return, all you have to do is -”

 

He cuts her off there. “Never do that again, that was _very_ weird.”

 

The laugh that the clearly embarrassed request gets out of Vex surprises even her and he joins in in short order. They're making enough noise that she's sure they're going to wake someone up, but in that moment, she doesn't care. The whole thing feels almost freeing after how worried she'd been when she first approached him. They eventually calm and she can feel him studying her.

 

“...It was really – it was worth it to see the look on his face,” he admits.

 

It's such a simple statement but it strikes her in a way she isn't ready for. She'd been conflicted and a little ashamed that she'd felt such deep satisfaction in showing up the man that stole their childhood from them. The better, surely healthier response to it all belonged to her brother, who had all but confirmed the man's opinion and words meant little to nothing to him. It was almost a relief to hear someone not only understand where she's coming from, but be thoroughly glad to have been of service. She had asked him to be by her side that day and he did that and went beyond anything she'd ever expected.

 

“It was quite wonderful,” she responds. There's no sense hiding the feeling from him.

 

But really, that part of what he'd done is only a small part of why she's here and why she's thanking him. The ability to shove something in his face had been nice, but what he'd equipped her with had been something special. She knew then and still knows now that the title is simply a title. She never expected a grand mansion or large amount of land to go back to Whitestone to claim, never thought to even ask. What really warms her to know is simply that he's brought her into such an important part of his life. So much of her existence was spent in a cold place that would not accept her no matter what accomplishments would be attached to her name. Vex had allowed herself, for a long time, to accept she'd never have a place of real belonging beyond her brother and friends.

 

Now she just might. There's even a moment she can imagine herself settling there, far after the scourge of the dragons are gone and peace has returned. She can almost feel the simple pleasure of being able to walk the streets and not feel like she's moments away from getting spit on. Already Percy speaks of her being part of things as if it's a given that he means her to be part of things if she wishes, part of his life outside of their group.

 

There's a feeling of some odd but familiar giddiness that follows that line of thought. The way he makes her smile is effortless and she realizes, by the time he teases her about becoming insufferable, that somewhere along this strange, long journey he'd become someone who understood her. It shows even now, where she went from all nerves to laughing with him. It showed back when she'd been desperate and asked him for advice about coming off in a better light to people he, like Vax, very much believed didn't deserve her and certainly didn't deserve any attempt at impressing them. It showed a lot of times, being a stable force in her life even when he wasn't so stable himself.

 

She lets the thought settle as briefly closes the door to finish up getting ready to walk to breakfast with her. The earlier feeling isn't gone, lingering as though waiting for her to allow herself to realize exactly what it is and why it's there and why it's only there when he's been around lately. When it dawns on her, she feels her pulse quicken as panic sets in.

 

It can't be that. She refuses to believe it's that. Yet he swings open the door and the feeling just gets more intense again. He's put together far better now, his coat slipped on and his hair tamed, looking more like himself if still a bit sleepy and all she feels is this strange, warm affection. Had that always been there? When did it start?

 

“Is something the matter?” he asks, tilting his head slightly. She swallows thickly and pulls herself together because _damn it_ , she never asked for this.

 

“Of course not, dear,” she replies, brushing his concern off. He doesn't push.

 

“Shall we, then?” he asks, exaggeratedly offering his arm. Despite the situation, she knows she's smiling a little again as she loops her arm into it.

 

It feels nice being near him. The thought just floats there in her mind as she walks along with him, practically taunting her that she can't seem to bury what's suddenly been put into motion. There's a brief moment she closes her eyes and let out a slow breath, a single word coming to mind.

 

_Shit._

 

* * *

 

 

Vex had thought she'd been prepared for whatever they were going to inevitably face. Every single attempt at getting these items of power has left them battered and barely alive. Percy talking of them dying was more morbid humor but not without a ring of truth to it, since she knows and she's sure he knows it's a very real possibility if every other encounter said anything about their chances. Every single attempt has pushed her to her physical limits.

 

What she isn't expecting from the...thing that has that bow is for him to focus solely on breaking her emotionally. She'd felt uneasy from the get-go seeing him, but that was a natural reaction to seeing what honestly was one of the creepiest looking things she's ever come across (which says a lot, really). She doesn't realize until his focus is solely on her that it's because he apparently knew way, way too much for her to be comfortable.

 

He had gotten into her head somehow.

 

“You… sweet, broken Vex'ahlia,” Saundor rumbles, his voice low and even. She stares at him, wide-eyed, and for the moment she feels like she's all alone despite being surrounded by her friends. “Unwanted daughter, unproven ally, selfish and cruel...you drive those you would call family into danger and death for your own gain. I understand you.”

 

She can hear her heart in her ears, beating hard against her chest. He speaks with a cold confidence and has every right to do so, because he's right. Laid bare in front of her and everyone she cares about is exactly how she sees herself. He keeps talking and she feels like she's frozen in place, trembling, as if she's become that child she once was that could do nothing in the face of cruelty when her brave front failed her. The only thing she can be grateful for is he's talking enough that she manages to pull herself together. It's amazing how useful fury at being unexpectedly cornered can be.

 

“Are – are we still pretending to _like_ this fuck?” she manages out, trying to recover.

 

“Nope,” Scanlan pipes up somewhere behind her. She's never been so grateful to hear such a simple word of support. When she speaks again, she's louder, angrier.

 

“I don't want _anything_ you have to offer,” she tells him flatly, her defiance shown both in her tone and how she's glaring at him.

 

Saundor remains unaffected. He stares at her like he's pitying her, which makes her falter a little again. It's unnerving that she feels like he's somehow looking right into her and she's not sure what to do about it. Instead of focusing on her, however, he does something close to apologizing, explaining himself, and she feels...something. Pity, too? It mixes with her rage and leaves her feeling confused. With little else she can do, she does try to level with him, see if she can deescalate the situation somehow. Maybe if she talks to him, even with what just happened, they can avoid a fight.

 

He asks for understanding. When she answers she does, it's not a lie, it's not a ruse. The deep need to be loved is ingrained in her and what he says makes her sure it's inside of him too, corrupted as he might be. She knows it and he knows it too, as much as she hates it. He seems to sense her wavering and steps forward again. It's only then he lays out what he truly wants in front of her.

 

“Would you embrace me?” he asks, his head still tilted as he holds her gaze steadily. It's almost hypnotic in a way. “Embrace your rebirth. I could give you so much.”

 

Everything in her is screaming to say no, that this is wrong. Then she thinks of all the times they'd had to fight for one of these things, knows that angering him would start a battle she badly does not want to have unless she has to. Would playing along prevent that?

 

“Vex'ahlia,” she hears a voice say behind her that breaks her out of her own mind. She turns to look to find her brother watching her, a mix of concern for her and barely contained fury at Saundor on his face. Nearby, Percy seems just as angry, his jaw set and his posture rigid as if ready to pull out his gun at any wrong move made. She looks back at the archfey, his form looming over her still.

 

“I will give you the means to protect them, your home,” he continues, seemingly not even noticing the looks of her companions. She hates that the offer is so tempting. She hates that, in that moment, she wonders if he might be the only way she could be of more use, to help these people she cares so deeply for.

 

“And what would you ask for in return?” she asks, knowing no deal like this ever comes without some price.

 

“Your heart,” he hisses.

 

It's all she needs to hear. She'd give up many things, but she knows that's not one of them. She knows that's not something she can offer anymore to begin with. Staring him down, her chin tilted up as she feels a surge of strength return to her.

 

“My heart is someone else's,” she says, sharply, the motion of pulling out her bow and nocking an arrow such a fluid motion that it's almost a blur. He withdraws immediately at the sight, though he doesn't attack. Instead, he makes the offer one last time.

 

“What is your answer?”

 

She lets loose the arrow without saying a single word, aiming right for his chest. Her aim is true despite her uncertainty, and she knows there's no going back, for better or for worse.

 

* * *

 

 

Vex feels pain with every breath she takes, multiple puncture wounds dotting her body. She doesn't think she can take much more of his very pointed attacks when Grog steps in front of her, his huge body giving her full cover. She barely hears what he says to Saundor, her senses swimming too much, but she does see the spark of lightning around the javelin he hurls right at him. The explosion that follows is enough to get out of her pained stupor as she watches chunks of what was once their enemy fall to the ground.

 

The celebration is nearly instant for everyone else as it dawns on them all that the danger is past and they're all alive. Despite the commotion around her, it only really sinks in for her when Grog gingerly walks up to her after retrieving his javelin. He holds out a giant hand towards her and she sees he's holding out a potion for her to take. Her chest tightens a little at the offer of help and suddenly everything hits her at once. Everything that was said, everything that had happened, and it's too much. It's too much.

 

“I can – I can cast cure wounds on myself,” she stutters, her eyes brimming with tears she can't control any longer. Grog cocks his head to the side, watching her.

 

“Are you alright?” he asks, his voice gruff, but he's looking as concerned as he's ever been able to look.

 

“I'm fine,” she replies despite being decidedly _not_ fine looking as those tears start to fall. She presses a hand against his arm, grounding herself a little. It helps, too, to look around and see all her friends around her, alive despite what ended up happening. When she speaks again, she chokes out, “Thank you. I was really regretting that – attacking him. I thought I should've just said yes and dealt with it -”

 

She's rambling and her words are tinged with noticeable guilt, but she can't really help it. Grog, not ever one for patience with this sort of thing, interrupts her.

 

“What, become a corpse bride?” he scoffs, the very idea clearly completely insane to him.

 

“- I don't know, I just feel terrible -” she continues, though another voice of the group catches her attention.

 

“He was terrible,” Percy insists, firmly. The steadiness in his conviction finally slows her down enough that she can shift her focus on calming down. “That was a terrible person.”

 

She nods silently, her sight still blurred by her tears. A not so gentle pat on her shoulder makes her look back up at Grog, who she realizes is awkwardly attempting to comfort her. “It's all right.”

 

It feels so ridiculous in that moment that she actually lets out a short, shaky laugh, the first smile she can really muster lifting. “Thanks, Grog.”

 

He adds a head pat along with it when he adds, “You did good.”

 

She sniffs, still smiling. “Thanks, so did you.”

 

Her entire body feels heavy. She uses the brief respite from everyone's attention as they deal with their visitor to heal herself and pull herself together. What she can do is not as powerful as Pike's abilities, but she isn't shaky on her feet any longer by the time they're done and their ally is gone. A part of her wants to just leave along with him, get as far away from this place as far as she can, but she knows she needs to stick with everyone. Eyes fall on her again and Keyleth is the one that approaches this time, taking her arm as she tries, earnest as always, to cheer her up.

 

“He wasn't good enough,” she insists, and she's clearly making sure Vex isn't looking away. “He was mean.”

 

Vex is in the process of thanking her (multiple times, honestly, she's not sure if she can say it enough) when she catches sight of Percy coming over. After all that'd came out, she isn't entirely sure she can face him (or her brother, for that matter). Instead of reassurances, however, he looks at her over Keyleth's shoulder, scrunching up his face in a comical way.

 

“We're a lot alike, you and I,” he hisses, his voice taking on a much lower octave to sound like the archfey. He sticks his tongue out as he mimics Saundor expelling that corruption and she's nearly in tears again, this time because of laughter. She sees him release Keyleth then, standing up straight, his face returning, briefly, to how he usually looks. He seems, as before, utterly and completely annoyed on her behalf. “What an asshole, jeez.”

 

It strikes her then that there's no pity. There's no judgment. There's no attempt to treat her gently because she might be fragile, for that matter, which she would've absolutely _hated_. They all just try to cheer her up in their own way and by the time her brother calls for her to try out the bow they'd just acquired instead of questioning anything, all she feels is genuine, deep love for her friends. Percy tosses her the bow at Vax's prompt to give it a try and she catches it with ease.

 

It feels like it's made for her hand in a way no weapon ever felt before. She can sense the power before she even attempts to draw the bow to test it out. For all she's gone through, it's hard not to feel like it's all worth it now. This bow, after all, seems to undoubtedly be powerful enough to help her protect her friends.

 

That's all that matters in the end, she supposes, as she draws the bowstring back for the first time.

 


End file.
